


A little to Haunted

by peacelight



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, T'hy'la, Tarsus IV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-29
Updated: 2017-06-29
Packaged: 2018-11-21 02:58:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11348445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peacelight/pseuds/peacelight
Summary: Jim struggling to keep the memories, and trauma of Tarsus at bay, is found by Spock, who does his best to be there for the man he is love with.You can never erase the past, but perhaps with help you can deal with it.





	A little to Haunted

Kirk was standing by the window just staring at the stars, tonight they didn’t provide the comfort he was seeking. Tonight he felt lost in them, not grounded, he had always wanted to escape to the stars, a secret dream he had never thought he’d fulfill. 

Jim felt the similar itch, the itch to self-destruct. With the anniversary of Tarsus IV approaching, that ache that had always haunted him felt just a little bit stronger, a little bit more volatile. The years after Tarsus and Frank, Jim had numbed the pain the best way he knew how, with booze, sex and violence. A lethal combination, Jim had hoped at least, but he had always been a little too good at surviving. Even his years at the academy Jim found a way to satisfy the itch, to bury the guilt of surviving again, a good bar fight, too much booze, getting an ear full from Pike. One or two nights of debauchery, something that made it clear to the universe, what Jim knew all too well, that he didn’t deserve to survive. 

The responsibility of the captain’s chair felt suffocating at times, right now was one of them. God Jim longed to go to a bar, and find someone to fuck, or someone to fight, it somehow always made smashing down the faces of his children, his friends, easier, easier to push them to the far corners of his subconscious, he had never been able to complete destroy the brain cells that stored his trauma. 

Jim knew he could at least get the booze on the ship, and he had a willing partner, he could spare with anyone, but none of this satisfied Jim’s need to risk his life, to feel as if it he could finally join the people he should have died with. He was so fucked up. He shouldn’t have been the one to survive, God, he couldn’t do anything right, including living.  
The letters, the letters of thanks from the rest of the nine, had pushed Jim over the edge. The trauma had come back in waves. The harder he tried to forget the more the words brought the memories to the forefront. It hadn’t felt this visceral in years. 

Jim felt like he was a kid again, the hunger felt so real, the heat, god the heat was so vivid, as if his skin was melting off his body. The blood, the screams, the most terrifying moment of silence when he buried the last body, it came crashing back, this time like tsunami instead of a wave. The memories of Tarsus were always like a strong current fighting a fragile dam, one moment of weakness and they all came pouring out. Tonight, not even the stars with all their power could hold them back. 

“Captain” Spock’s voice pulled Jim out of his self-pity party. 

“Spock” Jim said, not looking at Spock right now. He knew that his face would betray him. 

“Captain, you are destressed. How may I help you?” Spock asked, Jim could hear the concern in his voice. 

“I am fine Spock.” Jim stated, knowing full well it wouldn’t deter Spock. 

“One Captain, these windows are quite reflective I am able to see the facial markers of pain very clearly, two you have been isolating yourself for days, three I am not the only crew member to see that.” Jim sighed. How was he supposed to face his Spock? 

“Okay Spock, okay I get it.” Jim said. “Sometimes we have bad days, sorry I am not perfect.” Sorry I am not a good enough Captain, you all deserved an emotionally stable leader not a fucked up loser, who could never leave a planet long since abandoned. 

Jim turned to face Spock, and he could see Spock’s lips parted in hesitation, the way they always did as he struggled to find words that would make sense to the rest of the crew. 

“Captain, it is not healthy for human beings to repress their emotions I am quite aware that in order for human beings to deal with their pain they must communicate to a confidante or professional, in order to come to terms with it. For that reason I am offering myself as an ear.” Spock looked at Jim with such devotion, that it hurt Jim. He shouldn’t look at him like that, as if he could actually save him. 

“A Vulcan saying I should express not repress,” Jim chuckled. His laugh was devoid any real emotion. “I never thought I’d see the day.”

“As you know I am both Vulcan and Human, and as such I am aware the limitations of both over emoting and under emoting.” Spock looked so clearly out of his element. 

Jim wanted out of this conversation. “Well as fully human I can assure you that I am dealing just fine, I am having a bad day that’s all Spock, now if you will excuse me I have some work to do.” 

Jim was about to pass Spock when Spock grabbed his arm. “By work do you mean drinking an excessive amount of alcohol for the third night in a row?”

“Let me go.” Jim tried to pull away, afraid that his pain would transfer to Spock. “You have no right to question your Captain like that.”

“I may not, but I do have a right to question the man who I have begun a romantic endeavor with.” Spock said softer, still holding onto Jim. 

Jim didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want to lose Spock, he just needed to get through this week, it would be easier after the anniversary was over, he would be able to pull himself back together. 

“Tell me Jim, what is it that has distressed you so, please let me help you.” How could Jim hurt Spock like this? He was better off without him. Jim knew that there was no cure for his trauma no words that could make it right, he would never be good enough for Spock, he should just save him the heartache. 

“You can’t help me.” Jim stated plainly, trying to avoid too much emotion. It worked Spock let him go, he looked at Jim as if he had stabbed him. 

Jim kept walking, he had to keep moving. He had been moving since he left Tarsus hoping that if he didn’t stand still the memories wouldn’t catch up, but he felt like he was moving backwards, the screams were catching up to him. Jim wanted to scream, but he just felt his throat close up again, too dry to make any real noise, it had been too long without water. 

Without even realizing Jim was running, he could see the crew look at him, why was he still running? Where could he even run? 

***

Hours later, and a significant part of Chechov secret stash later, Jim was able to sleep. But sleep didn’t bring him the peace he yearned for, he was back. Kodos was laughing, why was he laughing, he was holding a knife, Jim saw the knife, it should be pointed him, no not at her she was too young, no! Why wouldn’t he just kill him, he couldn’t watch anyone else die, couldn’t Kodos see that he should be the one to die, she was too young, she screamed the knife when into her stomach…. So much blood, Jim screamed. 

“Wake up! Jim it’s just a dream. Wake up!” Spock shouted. 

Jim looked up, it wasn’t Kodos face, splashed with drops of a child’s blood, but Spock, his Spock, the best thing that had ever happened to him. Here still trying to save Jim.

“Spock, what? Where am I?” 

“You are in your room, well more precisely the floor near your bed. I believe you were too inebriated to make it to your bed, and so you fell asleep on the floor until a nightmare and my yelling woke you.” Spock was trying to help him up, Jim realized slowly, his head was pounding. Spock gently guided him to his bed. 

“I will call on Dr. McCoy for the appropriate medications for a hangover.” Spock said. “Perhaps you will find him more qualified to discuss your troubles.” 

Spock looked so betrayed. Jim realized that Spock thought that he was the problem, not Jim. How could he ever think he was anything less than perfect?

Spock was walking towards the door, it felt as if he left the room now, that it would be the end, which thought sent Jim into a panic. He couldn’t lose Spock, Spock was his sense of purpose, his guiding light, which always brought him back from the brink. 

“…wait.” Jim couldn’t let Spock walk away thinking that he wasn’t enough.

“I…it’s not you it’s me.” Oh God that was pathetic Jim thought. 

“I am aware that is a popular human expression that is meant to spare the other party emotional heartache despite being misleading.” Spock said. 

“That’s the one expression you are actually aware of?” Jim felt like actually laughing, just for a second, until he saw the pain so clearly in Spock’s eyes. Spock was still moving towards the door, clearly looking to leave Jim behind. 

“Captain, I am clearly unable to help you. And therefor I should find someone who is able.” Spock said. 

“No one can help me.” Jim sighed. “You know the best cure for a hangover is hair of the dog.”

Spock raised his eyebrow. “More alcohol.” Jim responded to the silent question. 

“No.” Spock said clearly. “Either tell me what is going on, or I will get McCoy.”

Jim sighed, and turned away from Spock. This was his do or die moment. Fuck it shouldn’t be this hard, words shouldn’t be able to hurt him. “You and Bones always wanted to know about the missing pages of my file, well from ages 12 to 14 I was on a failed colony.” 

Spock did the math quickly he knew which one Jim referred to. Spock felt an inexpiable rage boil in him, at all those who had hurt Jim. 

“I was an asshole of a kid to my step-dad, he had driven Sam away, and I wanted to leave too. But Sam hadn’t taken me with him, so I stole his car, drove it off a cliff.” Jim didn’t mention that he almost drove himself of the cliff too. Sam had taken enough beatings he should have left, Jim didn’t hate him for it, not anymore. 

Spock just let Jim continue. 

“I… I was shipped off. At first I was so happy, happier than I had ever been. The colony was so different from earth, but it started to feel like home. But then everything changed. Kodos played God, he… he ran out of food. Or at least that’s what we were told. Famine brings out the worst in people. Kodos massacred so many.” Jim didn’t want to think about the lives he had taken, he had to protect his kids, he killed guards. He was a monster too. 

Spock moved closer to Jim slowly, Jim wasn’t looking at him. 

“There was an assembly, and I was on the kill list. So were my aunt and uncle, they died.” Jim talked over whatever Spock was going to say next. 

“I was fourteen, me and some other kid’s escaped to the woods, I knew how to camp. We lived there the best we could, but one night I fucked up. I got caught…” Jim wanted to cry but he just felt like a robot, trying to describe the scene, it was playing in his mind, the emotions to overwhelming to process all at once. 

“Kodos…he wanted the location of the other eight, after all we were the only ones left that could identify him.” Jim could remember the torture as if it was yesterday. The lashes, the beating it was a constant. “But he didn’t break me, at least at first…”

Spock didn’t know what to say, he had such rage in him, how could someone do this to a child, someone tortured his beloved it. It made him feel so weak. He had to find a way to be there for Jim. 

“He grabbed a girl.” Jim said. “A never knew her name, never will, she was a child. He said tell him where the kids were or he’d kill her…” 

Spock knew the ending of the story. “It’s not your fault.” 

“It is, I just screamed. She died, nameless.” Jim licked his lips, they were dry, he hated dry lips. Spock was looking at him, as if he was worth something. “Starfleet came soon after, but it doesn’t matter. Some of my kids had tried to rescue me, they were beaten too. Kodos was holding off telling me until he had us all.”

“Jim you are not responsible.” Spock said with certainty. 

“They came for me because I was stupid. I got caught.” Jim felt a tear fall, he need to take a deep breath, otherwise he felt like he would suffocate for the depth of his pain. “I wanted to protect them from the violence, Kevin was beaten to an inch of his life. It was too close. If Starfleet hadn’t gotten there that day, we’d all be dead.” 

“If they had been captured you would have attempted a rescue mission captain of this I am sure.” Spock said. “You are not responsible for their decisions, and you are not responsible for the actions of a monster.”

“I am the monster Spock.” Jim wanted Spock to know he deserved better. “I killed, I stole, I beat, I did horrible things, Spock things that make me a monster.”

“Jim you are not only the bad things that happened to you.” Spock struggled to find a way to explain to Jim how he was not lesser for what he had been through in a way that he would comprehend. It was clear he never spoke of this. 

“I…I mean to say, Jim when a traumatic event happens we all feel responsible, I hate that I lived while my kin perished, yet I am not Nero I did not destroy the planet. You feel like you must not be alive, as the others you love are dead, but Jim you are merely a man you cannot be held responsible for every terrible thing that happens.” Spock tried to reach out and comfort Jim. 

“People always say it’s not my fault, and most of the year I believe it, but today, this week, this week I always find myself back there. I just want to bury the pain.” Jim sighed. “I was okay, till I got the letters. I used to send these letters to the survivor’s… I kept track of them. But they didn’t know where I was. Starfleet’s made me pretty famous, they sent me…they sent me thank you letters.”

“Letters you deserves Jim.” Spock stated with certainty. 

“I just want to forget Spock, I don’t want to be called a hero.” Jim wished he was stronger.

“You have shown me that emotions cannot be hidden, or buried, that if we do not deal with them, we will be at their mercy.” Spock said. “You are a Hero, it is who you are Captain.” 

Spock was able this time to reach and pull Jim in close. “You lived, you saved planets, lives, you make others around you happier, you make me happier. Is that not a noble cause, by chance you lived, you can honor those who perished by continuing to be the greatest man I know.” 

“I just… it shouldn’t have been me…” Jim felt more tears escape, Spock holding him was breaking down his barriers, he was so rarely held before Spock. 

“We disagree their Captain, but you can be sad, you can be angry, you can be whatever you require, but know that I am here to listen to support, until you are feeling better.”  
Spock wouldn’t ever let his Captain go. 

That night for the first time since Jim had left Tarsus IV. Someone held him as he cried through the night. Spock put him to bed, and was there in the morning. The next weeks he helped him through the story. It helped, somehow it did. To hear over and over again, with absolute certainty it wasn’t his fault. Jim didn’t fully believe it, but he wasn’t destroying himself, at least not as much. After all Vulcans did not lie, and were rarely wrong, perhaps Spock was right about him.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, I hope things were in character as possible.


End file.
